He Had a Dream . . .

I've posted this picture each Martin Luther King Day for the past two or three years - since I captured it during a visit to DC one summer. It moved me then, and continues to do so.

The irony prevalent in that MLK now has a statue memorializing his legacy – his dream, if you will – in our nation's capitol building, and this young child, decked out in red, white and blue, casually stands beneath MLK's watchful eye, never ceases to amaze me. I'm sure as an African American male, he will know prejudice and pain from folks who still don't "get" the dream. But I do hope that this photo reflects that we have made progress.

"Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. That is the interrelated structure of reality."  ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thoughts Under The DOMA

“Hey Cindy! We want to invite you guys over on Friday.  We’re having a group of people over and want to include you and Gayle.”

“Sounds great!  What can we bring?”

“Not a thing.  Just yourselves.  We just love you two!”

* * *

“Come on in! Glad you could make it.  Dinner is almost ready.  Ok, everyone, listen up. We don’t have enough china and steaks for everyone.  So, all the straight couples are going to eat in the dining room.  Cindy & Gayle – we have one other gay couple coming, and we thought you guys could eat in the kitchen at that table.  Help yourself to paper plates, and there are some hamburgers and chips on the counter. If you need cheese or other condiments, they should be in the fridge.  We are SO glad you could come – we just love you guys!”

* * *

Ridiculous isn’t it.  Imagine inviting your friends over and making some of them sit at “the kids’” table, or in the kitchen, serving them something less than what the other guests are eating because you just didn’t have enough for everyone. And expecting them to believe you when you tell them they are just as important to you as your other friends who get to sit at the same table as the hosts and have the full meal.

We have visited a couple of “welcoming and affirming” churches the past few weeks, and I begin to see more and more why this is such an important identifier for the LGBT community.  I have been blessed to be a part of some congregations who have been very welcoming and loving to me, but they have not been able, yet, to take that next step toward being openly affirming. It seems to say - Our straight members can have their unions celebrated and blessed by their church family, but not everyone would “understand” if we offered this to same sex couples in our family. It’s not legal in our state, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.  

And why do I want to be “blessed” by a church that for centuries hasn’t seemed to want to recognize my existence? I  want to share this with my church family because I love these people, too; we share the same journey in seeking to know our Creator’s purpose for our lives; we share many of one another’s struggles; and I want to fully share one another’s life celebrations.  I prefer not to have to tip toe gingerly around some topics. Marriage has been the topic of the day thanks to the Supreme Court decision overturning DOMA.  But churches need to realize that marriages (or blessing unions) is not the only “affirming” issue on the table. If a gay couple adopts a child together, would you be willing to celebrate with them in a baptism/dedication of that child? (And if so, are you prepared to explain to the child as he or she grows in the church why you could not bless the union of his/her parents?). If one of the partners should die, are you willing to gather around them and acknowledge the partner’s loss that is left behind as you would any other member losing a spouse? DOMA is important, but it is just the tip of the iceberg.   

To be openly affirming, in my mind, means that I get to sit at the “adult” table.  The china and the steak and the wine are not withheld from me because I’m “too young” or just not “quite” a full-fledged member of the group.  It’s a bit like saying, “We love you guys! But please don’t ask for more than we are prepared to give. You’ve done without this long – let’s not rock the boat and risk offending anyone. YOU understand, right?”

God & Gays: Questions, Questions

One of my oldest and closest friends and I have an ongoing dialogue about God, the gay community, and we invariably find ourselves with far more questions than answers.  To be fair, my primo tends to raise most of the questions, while I blog about trying to find the answers :-) 

So for today, this historic Martin Luther King Day which also marks the 2nd inauguration of our first black President who is the first President to ever come close to acknowledging in an important public forum that gays might deserve the same rights as white men, I'm just going to post the questions and comments from my friend that raise more questions.  They deserve some time and thought.

"I'll remind you that I believe that man created god in his own image.  The men who created our brand of god were highly homophobic, so naturally they created the necessary god and sin to support their way of thinking. So, why do you want to believe in that god and want to form part of his church? This god that was invented by homophobic men has rejected you for over 5000 years."

"The same god whom LGBT Christians tout as being a god of love and compassion is the same god who sits around twiddling his thumbs while his congregation apparently misrepresents his intentions.  In the meantime, people like ****** died a tortured, agonizing death in solitude because their parents cannot find  the love and compassion to share his suffering with their friends."

". . . I wish every LGBT who is out now could have lived in any major city in the USA in the mid to late 80's as those of us who were out then did, watching all of our friends die (of AIDS) in a world of no support.  The Church had a unique moment in history to put its love and compassion into practice and chose not to.  F*** them and the god they believe in - I'll create my own god."

"I watched so many men die alone in hospital corridors.  I held hands with men who were too weak to even tell me what their names were - like it really mattered moments before death.  When someone clutches you and you hear the death rattle in their throat and they expire, well, you just have to wonder where God was in all of that."

"But where is God in all this?  His followers are human and therefore imperfect.  God, however, is God and supposedly perfect.  What perfect parent sits around for thousands of years watching his people become more and more oblivious to his message?  A parent seeing a child about to harm himself does something to prevent it at some point.  Oh, but wait, thankfully, we have a story in Genesis to explain all that - right. Tree of Knowledge, free will, okay, check, got it.  All clear now."

Lots of folks out there with these questions, and I don't think pat answers and "pretty phrases" are going cut it.  Time for some serious thinking.

God Love Wendell Berry - Intolerance and/OR Compassion

God love Wendell Berry and other heterosexuals who don't see gay marriage as a threat or an abomination - or, for that matter, as a "right" to be granted.  In a recent article put out by abpnews, Berry asserts that liberals and conservatives have invented "a politics of sexuality" that establishes marriage as a "right" to be granted or withheld by whichever side prevails.  He said both viewpoints contravene principles of democracy that rights are self-evident and inalienable and not determined and granted or withheld by the government.

I shared another article on Facebook from the Huffington Post the other day and found myself in an interesting dialogue/commentary with two former students - one on the far left, and one on the far right of the discussion. The HP article suggested that it is time for conservative Christians to "evolve" on the subject of LGBT equality.  My far right friend patently disagreed, quoting scripture and verse to support his stance. I pointed out that God is love, and Jesus was compassionate to the point of choosing not to observe Biblical and Pharasaic law and heal folks (usually presumed to be in need of healing because of some "sin") on the Sabbath (a law deemed punishable by death). Further "discussion" ensued, my far left friend adding his two cents in support of my assertions, with neither side giving much ground to the other - but kindly and civilly, of course.

And then, I politely stopped "discussing." There comes a point where one realizes there is no common ground to be had, and the dialogue becomes a volleying of monologues.  I have to admit I was saddened to have to accept that my former student was "compassionately" pointing out that he was intolerant of my "sin."

No matter how intolerant of me or the truth of Jesus our society becomes . . . I won't "evolve" into a mentality that equates sin with truth.  But that doesn't mean I am not compassionate, either.  Jesus dined with prostitutes and thieves, yet he was intolerant of sin.  I'm not a hate monger or bigot because I'm intolerant of the LGBT lifestyle: I just don't believe it is right by God's standard expressed in the Bible. Compassion does not mean tolerance of sin. . . .  Therefore, followers of Jesus cannot simply "evolve" to accept as truth a concept that would betray their faith.

My sadness came from wondering what he really knows about the "LGBT lifestyle" - and whether, as a part of his "compassion," he even wants to understand it.  Nor do I, as a follower of Jesus, find my "lifestyle" a betrayal of my faith.  My "lifestyle" is pretty normal and even boring by most people's standards - heterosexuals included.  In fact, the only thing that distinguishes my life from my heterosexual counterparts is who I choose to sleep with.  And, like most of my middle aged, straight friends, there is generally a lot more sleeping than "sinning" occurring. I'm frankly not sure that my "lifestyle" is worthy of the time and energy involved in being "intolerant."

I find myself saying this often, so forgive the broken record if you've heard this before, but . . . When homosexuals become a face and a family, rather than an abstraction and an arbitrary group, I think we all begin to wrestle with our understanding of how Jesus would interact with, and love, this person. We all have to come to a decision about whether the Bible should be interpreted in light of the cultural context, or if they are God's overarching literal intent for all eternity.

As my far left friend and I continued our discussion privately, he pointed out that Wendell Berry perhaps said it best in the following:

"Condemnation by category is the lowest form of hatred, for it is cold-hearted and abstract, lacking even the courage of a personal hatred," Berry said.  "Categorical condemnation is the hatred of the mob. It makes cowards brave. And there is nothing more fearful than a religious mob, a mob overflowing with righteousness - as at the crucifixion and before and since. This can happen only after we have made a categorical refusal to kindness: to heretics, foreigners, enemies or any other group different from ourselves."

May we all, myself included, avoid a betrayal of our faith through categorical condemnation. 

The Things We Do For Love

My friends, Dustin and Raymond, are in New York for a few days. They got their marriage license today and will be legally married (in the state of New York) tomorrow.  I am vicariously celebrating them and remembering my own wedding in July 2004.  This post is dedicated to them.

In 2004, Massachusetts was the only state where a gay couple could legally wed, and the "rules" had changed saying you had to be a resident of the state in order to be married there.  Oregon had briefly legalized it, and California had not yet come and gone.  Certainly, I celebrate the progress that has been made since 2004, and the number of states that now allow same sex couples to share in both the commitment and the legal benefits of being a married couple in the US.  In 2004, though, Canada seemed to be the most stable option, and I even opined that foreign marriages might be recognized in the states sooner, and more broadly, than those of other states.  So, we went that route.

Plans were soon underway to travel to Vancouver, BC, which is a beautiful and welcoming city, with absolutely lovely weather in the month of July (farewell midwest heat!).  Because of the distance, we didn't presume that any of our friends or family would be able to attend.  While we would have much preferred a small, local church affair, attended and witnessed by our friends and family, we resigned ourselves to a civil ceremony in a country where we are not citizens.

I alerted our hotel to our plans, asking if there was a small courtyard or public area where we could have our ceremony without being disruptive to other guests.  I also offered to provide a gratuity to any two of the hotel staff who might be willing to serve as witnesses.

The hotel was more than gracious, providing an upgraded room for "honeymooners" with a view of the harbor, leaving champagne and chocolate covered strawberries with a congratulatory note in our room, and reserving a courtyard balcony for our ceremony that also overlooked the harbor, in addition to two staff to witness the ceremony.

Our only on-site task still to be accomplished was to obtain our marriage license.  In Canada, these are typically procured at insurance agencies, and the one agency open on Saturday was in Chinatown - the Jack Chow Insurance Agency (across the street from the Sing Along Salon).  We managed to locate Jack Chow, secure the license, and return to the hotel in time to change clothes and meet the Marriage Commissioner who would perform the wedding and our new hotel staff friends.  The weather was beautiful, and the ceremony itself was meaningful, but would have been more so if we could have shared it with those in our close circle of family and friends.

Friends, marriage is a commitment.  And it is a public statement of a commitment two people have already made in their hearts to one another.  I don't think the ceremony "makes you married" any more than I think baptism "makes you a Christian." These are outward signs of a wonderful change that has already taken place in your heart. And the PUBLIC part of that is sharing the joy of it, putting it "out there" so that you will be accountable for that commitment.  It is the "Amen" stamped on the act.  An "Amen" that says between two people who love one another - "and I mean it!"  And the "Amen" by those who witness it to say "and we will support you!"  For my friends Dustin and Raymond, it also an "Amen" for the love they have for their son, Emmaus.  An "Amen" that says to him, you are loved and part of a secure and stable family - and we mean it!  Is there some reason why God would be against that?  Why only "one man and one woman" can enjoy this kind of commitment and support?

I am so happy for Dustin and Raymond - they will be celebrating with some friends and family, even if it isn't locally; they will be able to have their wedding in a church, which reinforces their commitment to God as an important part of their family and bond with one another. How nice it would have been, though, if all of this could have happened in their home town, in their home church, with all of their friends and family.

Following are some of the lines from my and the Frau's wedding ceremony.  Think how much more meaningful some of these words would have been for us if our witnesses had been our family and friends instead of hotel staff, and if our vows had been said before a minister in a church that reflected our faith and commitment to God. Our country is making progress, but we aren't there, yet.  Until then, same sex couples will have to do all kinds of crazy things to celebrate and confirm their love.

We are gathered here today to witness and to celebrate the coming together of two separate lives; to celebrate the joining of Gayle Reece and Cynthia Sheppard in marriage, to be alongside them, and to rejoice with them, as they make this important commitment to one another. . . .

The marriage commitment is one of faith.  Faith in one another is based on our commitment of loyalty and trust.  In marriage, mutual faith requires of both partners openness of expression and thought, freedom from doubt and suspicion and a commitment to speak the truth in love.

The marriage commitment is one of hope.  You must interpret each other's actions and words with understanding and compassion.  You have a vision of what you can become together.  Pursue that vision. Never let it die.

Finally, the marriage commitment is one of love in which both partners empty themselves of their own concerns and take upon themselves the concerns of each other.

It is into this high and serious estate that Gayle and Cindy desire to enter and be joined.

Cindy/Gayle, do you promise to unite your life with Gayle's/Cindy's life, to live together in the commitment of faith, hope and love; and do you promise to listen to her innermost thoughts, to be considerate and tender in your care of her, and stand by her faithfully, in sickness and in health, and leaving all others, to accept full responsibility for her every necessity until you are parted by death?

Gayle and Cindy, the vows through which you accept each other in marriage have no hidden power within themselves.  Only to the extent that they express in words your continuing intention and commitment do they have meaning.  In a world where the forces pushing people apart may often seem stronger than the forces drawing people together, your commitment to each other will need to be expressed and reconfirmed in many different ways in the coming days and years. The expression in today's vows is simply a visible milestone in your journey together.  

Thanks, Dustin and Rayms, for prompting me to revisit my own commitment and vows.  And I wish for you two, with Emmaus, a very happy journey to come.  Love wins!

Welcome to My World

I'm another year older, and as is my custom, I like to celebrate that aging is a daily process by celebrating for several days. Today's celebratory activities began with a great breakfast and conversation with good friends at a local eatery. After the usual preliminary discussion of what is new in each of our lives, the conversation turned, not unexpectedly, to politics, gay "rights" versus privileges, and a brief summary of my last blog post where I suggest that we have to be willing to share our stories in order to understand one another's realities.

Two committed lesbian couples, one preparing to begin their 20th year together, and the Frau and I anticipating our 10th year, ranging in age from our late 40's to 60 - realized we are growing weary, and older, waiting for "change." As we discussed the realities of our world, we realized that most heterosexual couples in equally longstanding and committed relationships don't give a second thought to the fact that should their spouse die, they would be entitled to collect the social security benefits of their deceased other. We would not. 

After 10 and 20 years together, respectively, we are families. We have grown so accustomed to thinking of ourselves in that way that it is a nasty jolt into reality when we find ourselves in a situation where others do not recognize us as such. That recognition may be as subtle as being invited as individuals - not as a couple - to events at your own church, or as blatant as being denied the opportunity to adopt or have your marriage recognized.

I am really sorry that in the 21st century, that gay "rights" is an issue at all.  As Rachel Maddow points out, we shouldn't have to be granted rights - that's why they call them "rights." Nevertheless, it appears that we do. I feel like a broken record, but I don't think we can "argue" people into seeing things "our" way. Attitudes and perceptions change when abstract issues become humanized through getting to know real live people. If we are going to be known, then we are going to have to tell our stories. We are going to have to be willing to say, if you make that decision/vote that way/ignore that attitude, then I and my family will be impacted in this way.  A friend of mine posted the following quote on his Facebook page recently:

"I wish my moderate Republican friends would simply be honest. They all say they’re voting for Romney because of his economic policies...and that they disagree with him on gay rights. Fine. Then look me in the eye, speak with a level clear voice, and say 'My taxes and take-home pay mean more than 

-your fundamental civil rights, 
-the sanctity of your marriage, 
-your right to visit an ailing spo

use in the hospital,
-your dignity as a citizen of this country,
-your healthcare,
-your right to inherit,
-the mental welfare and emotional well-being of your youth, and
-your very personhood.'

You’re still complicit. You’re still perpetuating anti-gay legislation and cultural homophobia. You don’t get to walk away clean, because you say you 'disagree' with your candidate on these issues." -Doug Wright

What is your story? What subtle or not so subtle actions have made you (or a loved one) feel diminished as a human being? Would you be willing to share them with me? If you would be willing to contribute to this effort, leave a comment here, or message me privately on Facebook. I promise to respect any requests for anonymity; although, I think our most powerful stories will bear the stamp of our identity. I would like to find a way to tell our stories, humanize our lives, share our reality, so that those who really seek to know us can understand when we say "Welcome to My World." 

Taking a Stand ... with Time in the Gray Space

With election day only days away, the unresolved issues with which I continue to wrestle have very little to do with for whom I shall cast my vote for President.  On that point I am firmly resolved.  I don’t think my candidate is perfect, but I think he seeks the best for our country. I’m quite sure my friends on the other side of the aisle have similar feelings about the candidate they support.

My struggle is in wondering where we draw the line, impose or don’t impose, take a stand or avoid the subject entirely.  Like many, I have grown increasingly frustrated with some of the highly negative talk generated by both sides on Facebook and other social media. There have been moments I have jumped up with the crowd to yell, “this is not the place!”  I know folks who manage to gracefully change the subject when political talk is introduced. But I have also read posts from friends trying to explain, in as rational a way as they can, their very heartfelt feelings about why a particular candidate should be supported.

As a teacher, I am discouraged from discussing my political beliefs with my students. And I am beginning to wonder if this is wise or healthy. Part of the rationale, I think, is the circle of influence we have with our students and the fact that we might exercise undue persuasive tactics that might result in our students being confused or manipulated. I don’t condone manipulation and intimidation in the classroom on Facebook or with my friends. Ministers are also discouraged from using the power of the pulpit to sway the political views of their parishoners. I fear, however, that in the effort to protect, we once again throw out the baby with the bath water.  Whatever happened to honest, intellectual discourse? Must we now boycott the topic entirely and leave the mouthpiece of information in the hands of groups paying for political ads?

I, for one, have always appreciated hearing thoughtful opinions from those in my circle of influence.  They influence me for a reason.  That doesn’t mean that I agree with them on every point, but they make me think in the gray spaces. They help me to look at different sides of issues, or issues about which I haven’t thought at all. The final episode of Aaron Sorkin’s West Wing series concludes with Jimmy Smits having won the Presidential election, and talking his opponent, Alan Alda, into accepting the position of Secretary of State. Alda comments something to the effect, “But we don’t agree on hardly anything!”  To which Smits replies, “I’m surrounded by people who agree with me - I need you to help me see the whole picture.” (loosely remembered and quoted - but this is the gist).  And the episode ends with them having an animated, but healthy and engaging conversation - but not necessarily an agreeable one. 

I am voting for Obama. I place a high priority on my civil rights as a gay American, and I would like to see them acknowledged as rights, so that we can move on to the important economic and educational issues that so desperately need our attention. But my rights to be legally joined to my spouse, visit her in the hospital, make medical decisions for her, inheritance issues, the right of gay couples to adopt and raise families together, etc. are very important to me, and I would like to see the government acknowledge them as "rights" and not a behavior to be condoned or regulated. I don’t think the Republican platform will support me in this. But I have also really wanted to hear from some of my friends who are considered “small business” owners about which platform they genuinely feel will support them.  I suspect I would hear advocates for both sides, but I want to hear from them, not political candidates far removed from this reality. I want to be able to discuss this - without fear of becoming a political pariah - so that I can become more informed about the whole picture, and so friends and acquaintances who do not walk in my shoes can become more informed about my reality. Until we are willing to take a stand, how can any of this discussion take place? As long as we avoid all political talk, how will we ever understand the needs faced by our neighbor? 

I think we need to rethink taking a stand with each other, and spending a little more time in the gray spaces - together. 

Must Read Memoir by Kelly Barth

I went to church yesterday.  Not in the literal, time honored sense, but I finished a book I've been reading and felt as if I had been to church.  The book is ironically named My Almost Certainly Real Imaginary Jesus by Kelly Barth.  Told with sincerity, honesty, and humor, this memoir could have been my life on so many levels - not so much in specific details, but in many of the passages Barth traveled on her journey as a gay woman of faith.  I like that better than describing her as a woman of faith coming to grips with her gayness. For while she hesitated to publicly acknowledge it, she always knew she was gay.  Her journey was in discovering how to reconcile that fact with a faith that went through so many permutations, only she and "Imaginary Jesus" could really discover the truth and substance of that faith. 

As I've been reflecting on the book last night and this morning, I've chuckled again at Kelly's ability to describe her experiences with a humor that avoids insipid superficiality.  And admirably, for this reader, she is able to reconcile both her sexuality and her spirituality with a depth that defies many of the more shallow memoirs I have read of late.

Perhaps the most touching moment in the book for me was after she "came out" to her parents, and met with them for the first time after that revelation in her childhood home.  The image of her parents with their "powerful" clipboards of questions, Kelly sitting as a dutiful child in a chair where they "both could see her," and the clinical, yet far more tender way these two parents attempted to both understand and respectfully protect their child after having received news that no doubt turned their world upside down is one of the most moving moments of the entire memoir.  For these parents, nothing changed the fact that they loved their child, and no matter how their previous acts or words may have indicated otherwise and how unsettling the news may have been for them, they ultimately wanted only that their daughter know that she was loved and accepted.  "'You're ours and we love you. Nothing wrong. We just go on from here.' . . . Daddy picked up his clipboard, found a clear sheet of paper, and started a letter to Lisa, welcoming her to the family."

Acceptance by my own family and close friends - many of whom I feared simply wouldn't be able to make the leap - was very similar. As was my partner's.  I had worried overmuch about their reactions and potential rejections. My therapist even suggested that perhaps I didn't give my parents enough credit.  I'm not naive enough to believe all people are so lucky in their coming out experiences.  I know they aren't and that lack of family acceptance is one of the key causes of suicide among LGBT teens.  Perhaps we "late bloomers" have a greater capacity for dealing with the ramifications, or maybe we are just fortunate to have the families we have.  

I'll not say more on the book because I could not possibly do it justice. But this I will say, this book isn't just for gay people of faith - although, it will speak deeply to them.  It is not just for families of gay people of faith.  This is a book that anyone on a faith journey should read.  It is a book about a person. Someone with an aspect of their personhood that isn't readily accepted by everyone else - yes.  But isn't that true of us all?

Saving Face

I listened to two great sermons today - one was live and at my own church - addressing culture's current fascination with the "undead" and using the book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, as the springboard for the discussion. The Frau thinks our fascination with vampires and zombies and such is just because they are weird and different, but my pastor, Matt Sturtevant caused me to think about the possibility that our interest in these subjects emerges from a need to wrestle with the unknown of eternity.  I'm still mulling that over, and will likely revisit the idea in a future post.

The second sermon I watched online - an archived message by Adam Hamilton (Church of the Resurrection) which I highly recommend entitled "The Bible and Sexuality" from his series on Wrestling with the Bible.  He addresses a topic I've been "mulling over" for a good many years and has some intriguing insights that are beautifully stated and illustrated. The details he addresses and questions he raises are best for you to view directly as spoken by him - the link is provided above.

I appreciated his acknowledgement from the outset that the issue of homosexuality is one that divides us - as a nation, as communities, churches, and friends and families. He also confessed that it is an issue with which he continues to wrestle. But as a church, they will accept and love everyone, and agree to live "in tension" with one another about their individual interpretation of Scripture. 

That Adam continues to "wrestle" with the issue, and that his personal feelings have evolved about interpreting the Bible in the few verses that address homosexual behavior, appears to be directly related to his actually getting to know gay and lesbian individuals. When "homosexuals" become a face and a family, rather than an abstraction and an arbitrary group, I think we all begin to wrestle with our understanding of how Jesus would interact with, and love, this person. We all have to come to a decision about whether these verses should be interpreted in light of the cultural context, or if they are God's overarching literal intent for all eternity.

My own church is extremely welcoming and loving, too.  And it is such a great start. But there are a lot of those faces out there who want to be fully affirmed by the congregations where they worship and serve.  They feel called as ministers and teachers, they want to stand up with their children when they are baptized in front of the whole church, and they want to be able to make a public and faith based commitment to their spouse before their God and their family of faith. To love us and welcome us but be unable to affirm us at this level is somewhat akin to asking us to sit in the back of the bus, or the church. 

I don't mean to sound harsh. It took me a long time to accept and affirm myself, and it started with my accepting and affirming my gay friends. I first had to personify the abstraction. That was my pilgrimage. When I was able to completely and fully love them and believe that God did the same, then I was finally able to love myself enough to admit, not only how God had created me, but how much God continues to love me.

So I say to my friends who just aren't "there," yet.  I love you; I know you love me; and I know God loves us both. I want to be that face, that personification for you. And I can live "in tension" with you on the subject for as long as it takes. But do know that sometimes it gets lonely in the back of the bus.

  

Audacity of Pride - Purveyor of Hope

I had the good fortune several months ago of meeting Dr. Ron Holt and hearing him speak on the biology of gay sexuality, bullying and suicide prevention. Dr. Holt is a clinical psychiatrist who is committed to sharing scientific facts about human sexuality, LGBT health issues, and bullying, and he backs up that commitment by donating his time, speaking primarily to medical and collegiate audiences around the country. You will find a link to his website - Audacity of Pride - on this blog, and I also encourage you to follow him on Twitter (LGBT Shrink - @Dr.RonHolt).

In a day and time when so many young people are striving to become more open about their sexual orientation, I find Dr. Holt a purveyor of hope and vital source of information for anyone struggling with acceptance, health related issues, and non-acceptance or bullying from others. I refer to young people because I work with them everyday, but adults are certainly not immune. As Ron said in a recent Tweet, "Research shows that LGBT youth who are closeted are at greater risk for depression, substance abuse, and suicide." He also points out that LGBT youth are 2-4 times more likely to attempt suicide compared to their straight peers. Did you know that 40% of homeless youth are LGBT and the number one reason is family rejection? As a gay, Christ following teacher, how can I not keep myself aware of such important issues impacting the lives of my students? 

I offer this post primarily as a challenge to all who read it.  Check out Dr. Holt's website, follow him on Twitter, and be sensitive and aware of those around you who may be struggling with issues related to their sexuality, be it acceptance, health, bullying or suicide. You don't have to be an expert on the topic.  In fact, if you do nothing but make the following information available to those with whom you come in contact, you may save a life or become a purveyor of hope yourself.

The Trevor Lifeline:  866-488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:  800-273-TALK

Road to Emmaus

For as long as I can remember, Robert Zünd's painting of a resurrected Christ on the road to the town of Emmaus with two unsuspecting followers hung in my dad's church office. These disciples thought Jesus had died, and didn't recognize him when he joined them on the road and shared dinner with them later. My dad passed away 10 years ago this month, and I'm not sure what my mother did with that painting.  

I have my eyes on a new work of art these days, though - also a "road to Emmaus." You see, I have a new little friend named Emmaus. He just celebrated his first birthday this past weekend, and I wonder if the many people there to help him celebrate were aware of the presence of Christ in his life.  I've been captivated by him for the past year, and the journey he is on with his adoptive parents. I don't know when I have seen a happier and more loved little boy. Every time I see a new picture of him, I smile and my spirits are lifted. I have seen an amazing transformation in his parents as they now see their world through the lens of the love they have for this precious boy.  

Although I have spent the last couple of posts confessing some doubts and dissonance in my own faith journey, I find that witnessing the simple and sincere love that is expressed in Emmaus' family is one of the greatest reminders of why I cling to my faith in spite of doubt. When I'm feeling a bit like I'm wandering in a desert (perhaps of my own making), God brings a work of art, like Emmaus and his family, into my view and reminds me that the God of Love is still with me.  And if a picture is worth a thousand words, then I can't believe you won't see God's all encompassing and non-judgmental Love in the images of Emmaus -  and his dads.

Intriguing Intersects

I find it curious how the various areas of my life often intersect in the strangest ways, and without any attempt at intentionality on my part.   Perhaps it is some strange "law of attraction" - some big "secret" I've yet to discover.   But for the moment, I'll just accept it as an intriguing intersect.

Here follows a "for instance . . ."

A couple of weeks ago, my church book club decided that our next book to read would be "The Faith Club" - a book about 3 women, one Christian, one Jewish, and one Muslim, who seek to learn more about each other's faiths and subsequently, each other.   This is path number one.

The Frau and I have been totally immersed in the West Wing series since we bought the entire 7 season compilation as a Christmas gift to ourselves.  The common phrase around our house when we have an evening at home is, "Well, shall we go to Washington?"   Last night, we found ourselves at the beginning of season six, wherein President Bartlett is on a quixotic mission to negotiate peace between Israel and the Palestinians.   Everyone thinks he is on a fool's errand, but he is resolved that he must try to do this thing, regardless of whether his closest staffers vehemently disagree.   This path number two.

My school choir is singing a Sephardic (Spanish Jewish) folksong, and in doing a little background reading today to share with the kids, I not only was reminded of the ethnic origins of the Sephardic sect, but marveled that when they were unceremoniously expelled from the Iberian peninsula (Spain/Portugal), that it was the CHRISTIANS that ran them out.   There was quite a lot of Muslim influence (from northern Africa) in Spain during the medieval period, and ironically, while their differences were duly noted, the Jewish community actually thrived under Muslim rule.  It was only after the Christians assumed the political power position that the Jews found themselves persecuted.   So, while "Columbus sailed the ocean blue," Spain and Portugal were great places to live unless you were a Jew.   Oddly enough, many of these Jews left the Iberian peninsula for the Baltic peninsula, and in recent years are experiencing the same turmoil there that they did in 1492.  These poor people need to find their "happy peninsula."  Path number three.

This evening, the Frau and I attended a lecture at a nearby liberal arts university given by guest theologian and writer, Dr. Charles Kimball.  The title of the lecture (the same as his book) was "When Religion Becomes Evil."  Dr. Kimball specializes in comparative religions, Islam in particular.   He is an ordained Baptist minister, whose grandfather was Jewish.   So when he says that our experience often shapes our views of God and theology, I believe him.   He also encouraged us not to let our experience limit our view of God.  He said, and I think this is a fairly accurate quote, "God may be at work in the world in ways that transcend my experience."  He went on to say that all of the major religions that have withstood the test of time have one fundamental premise in common - they all start with the belief that "something is wrong" with the human predicament.   For the Jew and Christian, that "something" is sinfulness.   For the Buddhist, it is ignorance (if you weren't ignorant, you wouldn't need the Buddha to enlighten you).   And for the Muslim, it is forgetfulness (it is because you forget who God is, that you fail to live in the way God wants you to live).   Much of his discourse revolved around our misunderstandings of these other faith groups, and how we confuse, especially the vast majority of Muslims, with extremist Islamic terrorists.  As he said, "a few clever people, bent on a purpose, can wreak great havoc."   He also reminded us that "terrorism is the weapon of the weak," used by people who have no power base, so they manipulate to create their "weapon."  He closed with a beautiful quote about diversity from the 5th chapter of the Koran, but I wasn't able to jot it down accurately.   I'm going to try to find it and post it at a later time.   Thus ends path number four.

Now maybe these four "paths," as I've chosen to label them, and my perceived intersections of these paths are significant only to me.   But I feel like all roads are intersecting, and I'm on a crash course to a heightened understanding of what these three faith groups have in common.  I actually think I'll be including a fourth group along the way and exploring Buddhist/Hindu traditions (I've found myself on at least one side-road of late on a friend's blog exploring fundamental truths from the Bhagavad Gita - and I'm quite sure I've misspelled that, but I digress).   I'd truly like to have a better knowledge of the commonalities (as opposed to, but not to preclude, differences) so that I can perhaps glimpse a bit of God's workings in the world that transcend my experience.

Talk About Diversity

The politicos are all in an uproar today over Obama's selection of Rick Warren (The Purpose Driven Life and pastor of Saddleback Community Church) to lead the invocation at his inauguration. It would appear that folks think Warren shouldn't receive this "honor" because his socially conservative views on abortion, same-sex marriage, et.al. are DIFFERENT than those of the President-Elect. Apparently, I and other gays & lesbians are supposed to feel "spritually assualted" by this selection. If you've read this blog at all, you know how I feel about same-sex marriage, and I think abortion is a very difficult and complex issue. But I've also read some of Rick Warren's book, and he does have some good things to say - our differences on some issues notwithstanding.

Paint me red and call me a barn (I don't know that this quirky saying fits, but I think it's cute and wish to use it anyway), but in my younger days it was OK to be friends and have discussions with folks and agree to disagree. In fact, when I look back on any growth I have experienced in my life - intellectually or spiritually - it was from an outgrowth of wrestling with conflicting/DIFFERENT ideas. Rarely did I experience any growth or gain any sort of empathy with an opposing viewpoint by sitting around and listening only to those folks who agree with me.

Perhaps the selection of Warren is a political move on Obama's part to garner some support from the conservative right, but looking at his cabinet picks thus far, I don't think so. I think he understands that in order to make the best decisions for this country, he needs to surround himself with competent, experienced people, many of whom will not be afraid to disagree with him. I'm glad he isn't surrounding himself with "yes" men and women, but with those who are capable of standing up to the leader of the free world and saying "no, here's another perspective." And I think he plans to listen to them. At the end of the day, he may not agree with them, but he will hear them out.

I have some dear friends and family who don't agree with me on every subject, and they won't be surprised to learn that I don't always agree with them. That doesn't stop debate, and intellectual/spiritual discourse. Our failure to agree does not lessen my respect and/or love for them. Our discussions keep me grounded, my perspectives balanced, and my sensitivity to other perspectives open and thoughtful.

I don't agree with Rick Warren on a lot of issues. In fact, there are some that we downright would never come to agreement on. But I respect his convictions, I think he offers much good in what he says, and backs that up with a great deal of integrity (my understanding is he takes no profits from the sale of his book). I think God is big enough to love us both in spite of our differences. And I don't feel "spiritually assaulted" by his offering a prayer on behalf of our country at this momentous occasion. And maybe, just maybe, that is why the President-Elect selected him - as a lesson to us all that part of the "Change" he hopes to bring us is a renewed commitment to allow everyone in this country to be different without being damned.

To Be, or Not to Be . . . Hmm

The students are talking. I'm not surprised, and in fact, had suspected it would occur at some point (if not already). But knowing it in fact as opposed to speculation gives it a whole new sense of reality. I'm actually surprised it is suddenly occupying so much of my thought time, but it is . . . So, I'll share with my friendly readers, and perhaps gain some insights to give me some equilibrium on the matter.

A few of my more perceptive students noticed a couple of years ago when I started wearing my wedding ring. I know this is true because one of the more "sensitive" ones also studies private voice with one of my oldest, dearest friends, and she mentioned it in a voice lesson. Thank goodness there is no such thing as voice teacher/client privilege! For it is this same student who brought up - with some degree of frustration - at her voice lesson this week that "everyone is talking about Doc." I won't go into a lot of detail at this point, but suffice it to say that she is struggling with the "talk," her loyalty to me, her faith upbringing, and whether or not it should really matter.

Now the noble part of me that stands occasionally on a pedestal proclaims - Great! Let these gentle young minds struggle with what they think might be wrong as it applies to someone they seem to respect and admire. This is great. This is why I've told the Frau that she shouldn't worry about going to things at school with me and being seen more frequently. "Let them wonder," I say.

Well, they are wondering, and the not so noble part of me - the part that enjoys a regular pay check and regular meals - says ever so softly, "I sure hope their wondering doesn't cost me my job." Reality tells me not to worry - I'm not the only gay faculty member in the school, and the school district even has a very high level administrator who is "in the family way." But we all have heard stories of people "moving on" for other reasons at the critical juncture when their orientation was discovered.

Now, dear friends, the previous paragraph is just me acknowledging that I have fears, however minute. I've been claiming to be ready for a test - to "live out" my life, just as I grew up being taught to "live out" my faith. And frankly, I don't think there should be any disparity between the two. It's time for the world - or at least my little microcosm of it - to be exposed to "normal" gay people - yes, and see a wedding ring that says I believe in the sanctity of a monogamous long-term relationship and it is not in conflict with the faith most of the students also know me to have. I'll keep you posted on this one. I'm at a convention for a few days, so I have some time to really reflect on this one. I feel quite sure that the answer is . . . "To Be."

Lavender Lane

The Frau and I bought a new home a couple of months ago, and Lavender Lane is the moniker one of our friends has given our street. It is a bit ironic - we found a house we loved when we least expected it, sold our house to the first people to look at it, and now we live directly across the street from some dear friends from church - an older female couple who have been together for 24 years. Next door to them is another female couple - about our age - who have been together about as long as we. I think there are another two couples around the corner and down the street, but we don't really know them. Here on Lavender Lane, though, we feel really normal, accepted, not "alternative." It also helps that LL is nestled in the center of the only Democratic stronghold in our state, but I digress.

Lavender Lane represents, for me at least, another milestone in our relationship (there were days during and following the move I could have called it a Hysterical Marker, but that's another story). This isn't a house that belonged to one or the other of us prior to our meeting, but it is the home that we have chosen to build (or at least redecorate and repair) together. It has only memories of our shared relationship, and the promise of what our future holds together in this place. I truly feel like I'm coming "home" to "my family" everytime I drive through the neighborhood and into the driveway.

One of our other great milestones was when we got married in one of the few places where it was actually legal - Vancouver, British Columbia ("O Canada . . ."). It meant a lot to us to have a legal and public acknowledgement of what we are to each other. The road to that milestone had its humor, as well. We had to purchase a marriage license in Chinatown from the Jack Chow insurance agency, which was not far from the Sing-A-Long Salon . . . Our "witnesses" were a concierge and a bellman. But it was legal.

I know my beloved spouse would like to have a ceremony here in the States - so we can celebrate with family and friends. And I know she must marvel at my reticence. I have marveled at my reticence. I counter that maybe we can do that to celebrate our 5th or 10th anniversary - but I think it sounds hollow. I think I might have finally pinpointed my hesitation, though. I don't want a ceremony - another milestone, if you will - to be less real than what I feel for her. I don't want anyone saying we're "pretending" to be a family, or mocking a ceremony as a "pale substitute." I keep hoping the day will come - sooner - that will allow us to publicly acknowledge, in our place of worship, and legally in our country of residence, the commitment we have already pledged to one another. It will be as REAL as our commitment, and it will be legal. And THAT will be the true celebration.
Amen.

Story Corp Hits Paydirt

Link and listen to this NPR gem, "Like Being 19." Maybe one day *we* can do it in the "right order." Or maybe we've got the right order - in spite of those who would say otherwise.